When I read this title, global wars come to mind—Russia’s invasion of Ukraine, conflicts in the Middle East, and the immense suffering they bring. Yet the conflicts that affect me most are much closer to home: the daily arguments with those I love. At times, my marriage feels like a battlefield of recurring micro-conflicts with my wife over seemingly trivial matters. For years, I also struggled with my son. His defiance triggered my worst reactions—rage and helplessness—especially when I saw him direct my own aggressiveness toward his sister. Nothing hurts more than realizing you have passed anger and division on to those you love most.
Why do some situations trigger us so intensely while others barely disturb us? Why does my son ignoring me feel unbearable, while far bigger problems leave me completely calm? I’ve learned that the answer often lies in wounds from childhood. We all carry pain from experiences that were too difficult to process at the time. Parts of us hide that pain deep inside, outside our awareness. These unhealed parts—our “inner children”—wait to be triggered. When they are, they take over, causing harm and chaos.
As Galatians 5:17 says, “The flesh desires what is contrary to the Spirit… They are in conflict with each other.” Sometimes the “flesh” of an unhealed part dominates, leading to hostility or even violence.
So how do we bring peace into these conflicts? And what is peace? For some, peace means the absence of conflict. For others, it means mutual respect or justice. For me, peace is forgiveness, acceptance, and healing—born from a sincere desire to understand the other side. True peace requires empathy and compassion. The “other side” may be my son, my spouse, the opposing team—or even my own wounded self.
Jesus told us to love our enemies. Often, however, the enemy is within. C. G. Jung expressed this powerfully when he wrote:
Perhaps this sounds very simple, but simple things are always the most difficult. In actual life it requires the greatest discipline to be simple, and the acceptance of self is the essence of the moral problem and the epitome of a whole outlook upon life. That I feed the hungry, that I forgive an insult, that I love my enemy in the name of Christ—all these are undoubtedly great virtues. “What I do unto the least of my brethren, that I do unto Christ.” But what if I should discover that the least among them all—the poorest of all the beggars, the most impudent of all the offenders, the very enemy himself—is within me, and that I myself stand in need of the alms of my own kindness—that I myself am the enemy who must be loved?
We all have basic needs: safety, acceptance, respect, and love. When these needs are met, we experience peace. When they are not—and we don’t know how to express them—we often react in destructive ways. Marshall Rosenberg captured this truth well: “Every criticism, judgment, diagnosis, and expression of anger is the tragic expression of an unmet need.”
Scripture warns us against judging (Matthew 7:1–2) and against anger (Matthew 5:22), yet we repeatedly fall short (Romans 7:19–25). Jesus also taught that evil comes from within (Mark 7:23)—from what is unhealed, I would add.
In everyday conflict, I have learned to look for unmet needs—mine or the other person’s. When my child lashes out, I no longer see a “bad” child, but a flower in need of water. If I respond with patience instead of punishment and gently seek the fear or need beneath the behavior, reconciliation often follows. If I react defensively, the opportunity for healing is quickly lost.
Behind every hostile reaction lies an unmet need. A wise person does not battle hostility with more hostility but responds with empathy and seeks to uncover the deeper need. Behind every aggressor is someone longing for safety, dignity, or understanding. Punishment does not heal—only love does.
So what is love? John Powell offers a practical definition in The Secret of Staying in Love:
- Love esteems and affirms the unconditional, unique value of the one loved.
- Love acknowledges and seeks to fulfill the needs of the one loved.
- Love forgives and forgets the failings of the one loved.
The willingness to look beyond hostility, to seek the real needs beneath the pain, and to see the world through the eyes of another—these are the keys to carrying peace into places of conflict. This is true in our homes, our communities, and even within our own hearts.
True peace is not the absence of conflict.
True peace is the presence of healing.
Gabriel Kosmaly







